Can Beauty be Found in a Beast?

I wrote a blog post in the middle of night a few days ago, hoping to empty some of the weight out of my mind.  I couldn't sleep, and couldn't stop crying.  No better time than the present, right?

The intent was simply to wish a goodbye to a sweet friend and get some thoughts down on 'paper'.  I had no idea that the post would become my most viewed post of the six years that I have had a blog.    It's interesting how it was not any of the feel good posts, the tutorials, or a cheesy prompt.

It was a post about some of the deepest valleys that I have walked through, and the difficult lessons that I have learned in this season of life.  I am amazed to find that I currently have over 400 page views on my post about Gracie.  The post was my goodbye to a friend who died suddenly about three months ago.  The post was written directly to Gracie, and was solely for me to express my feelings.  I was shocked by the amount of people who chose to engage with the words that I wrote.

But we connect when we choose to be real.  We can relate to pain because we know hurt.  We want to hear honesty about how people are doing, and not just see the perfect masks.

For someone who, at times, feels engulfed by the darkness, it can feel hard to believe that others want to step into that space.  Difficult to imagine that they would want to share a flickering candle, and allow their huge bonfire or small flame to overcome the darkness.  The gifts that God has bestowed on the people around me constantly surprise me in positive ways.  I have been touched by people who care, and who startle me daily in a happy fashion.

AND SO I KEPT LIVING.

I keep living.  I continue on in the hopes that the difficult times will bring bittersweet memories full of laughter and tears.  I keep living for the promise that God will never leave me.  And I live knowing that Jesus has promised to stick with me no matter what I am walking through.

I'm still here.  Long after the first day that I felt hopeless, and after many days of the lies seeming to beat out the truth.

I'm here because I am actively making a choice to cling to hope when I cannot see through the fog.  Even when it takes another living, breathing person to remind me just to make it to tomorrow.

And then to celebrate that victory when it comes.  Because no matter how painful it is, it will come.

We have all dealt with pain in our lives.  Being able to address that pain makes us seem more human to the people around us.  They can connect to us, and love on us, and say "I've been there too".

Because people have.  One of the greatest lies that satan tries to tell us is that you are trapped in the darkness alone, with no hope in sight.

Let me tell you.  You are not alone.

Connect to people who share their stories honestly.  Talk with people that you trust. Stuck on that one? Try a parent, sibling, friend, teacher, counselor: look again if you think you are alone.  Or email me at owls2fly@yahoo.com.   I would love to help connect you to trusted resources.

As you are reminded of hope, remind others to hope as well.

I am proud of you.

High Tops for Grace

Gracie,
I wish I could have just one more conversation with you.
But, honestly, I don't know how it would go if I were offered a chance at a conversation.

Let's be real though.  If anyone should have one more talk with you, I wouldn't want it to be me.  I would gladly give the opportunity to your sweet mama who carried you inside of her for nine months, and cherished you as you grew up into a beautiful young lady.  Or, your loving sisters who held onto you through tears of triumph and tears of grief.

Sweet Gracie, you are loved by so many.

Your twelve years seem far too short to those of us who are missing you.  I am so grateful for the promise of eternity in heaven with God and those who love him.  Without that promise I'm not sure that many, if anyone at all, would make it through the bitter grief of death.

Because God is good, we rest in knowing that we'll see you someday soon.

Grace Evangeline, I remember the day you were born.  I played in my yard with your siblings, basking in the sun and the excited energy that was in the air.  None of us could wait to meet you, and hug your tiny self.  I watched Rachel braid bread to take home to share with your mama as we all dreamt about what you would be like.

And ever since May 8 of 2004, we could not imagine life without you.  Even though the two of you didn't have much time to live in the same state, Bethany found a best friend in you.  She treasured each letter, each phone call, and counted down days between visits.

Nothing could separate the two of you during those precious times together.  I smiled every time I walked into a room and found you two holding hands and grinning.  Even though I would shake my head and pretend to disapprove of the mischief, I missed the days when I too felt carefree and could clasp hands with my best friend, forgetting that the world existed.  I actually loved that sight, no matter what you read from my face.

I miss it so much.  It doesn't feel right to walk into a room with your siblings, to find Bethany alone.  I don't understand why it was your time to go.  I may never understand why that moment was the one.    Your story is still touching the hearts of so many people.

I envy you, ya know.  Joy seemed to come so easily to you.  You are gentle, and loving.  You always had a smile on your face and a kind word to pass on.  Those actions are difficult for me.  I have to spend a loooooooot of time with Jesus if I want to be nice.  You are so good at it.  And Gracie, your music blessed others as well.

The length of your life had no affect on the depth or fullness of it.  You loved people with only a passion that God could have given, and the ripples of that love are still going strong.

I used to hate the color red.  It's so bold, almost abrasive to my eyes, and my quiet personality.  Red demands attention and I avoid the spotlight.  Red is also frequently associated with blood.  Blood typically leads to me passed out on the floor, and all kinds of pleasant memories like that.  I normally pick subdued colors.  Black is great, or a nice gray even.  Something quiet that just serves the purpose of clothing me.

Your beloved red Converse shoes changed that in terms of my footwear, and taught me a few things along the way.  You told Bethany that the reason that you adored your shoes is because red goes with everything.  To you, the red high-top shoes were perfect for every occasion.  I'm sorry that you couldn't wear them to Chelsie's wedding.  She wore them with her dress the next week at her PA reception.  I'm not sure how heaven works, but I hope you at least got to catch a glimpse of that.

We wore them too, even the little boys.  We told your story to so many people who stopped us asking, "What's with the red Converse?"  We explained the beauty of your soul, your loving heart.  We shared that you were in heaven, spending eternity with Jesus.  You're a missionary, Gracie.  Your story has reached so many people.

We cried, a lot.  But we laughed, a lot.  And sometimes, we did both simultaneously. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything that a person could offer to me.  I got to enter a world of imagination with Caleb and Josh, and see them sweetly love on each other.  Mark and I reconnected after so many years of going different directions.  I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but I don't think we're getting married any time soon.  

It's funny, but I think I'm still learning from you and your shoes.  Not all attention is inherently evil, I suppose.  The attention the color red draws gives me a chance to share your story, and the grace of God with so many people.  

I really struggle with feeling the need to be put together.  I don't want to disappoint God, or anyone else that I valued.  So I do my best to put on a perfect face, and keep all of my crap together.  Long story short, that helps no one.  In a short analogy that may only make sense to me, my mistakes are kind of like the red shoes.  They might draw attention, but they point the focus and glory to someone else.  And, they go with everything.  Eveeeeeeeen when I cringe at the thought of putting pink socks with red shoes, or (the horror) yellow socks.  I don't have to everything put together in the way that I want it to be.  I have found out that it is OKAY.  Thanks for reminding me.

I'm not put together, and I don't need to pretend to be.

I can't believe it has been three months to the day since this picture was taken.

Do I treat each moment as if it could be my last, remembering the impact that words and actions have, and treasuring the people around me?  You inspired my latest tattoo.  Chelsie, Karissa, and I all have the same tattoo, tying us together and reminding us to be ready for Jesus' return or our deaths. 

I want to let Jesus use me, just as you were open to being His hands and feet.  Thank you for the sweet reminders, and the precious memories.  

While we know you are in a better place, held in the arms of our loving Heavenly Father, we still miss you.  Thanks for being ours for twelve beautiful years.

I love you, sweet Gracie.

~Moriah

Life Changes

As I head into another school year I just wanted to update everyone on where I am in life.  

Tomorrow I start the journey back to school.  I'll be a senior at Grace College in Winona Lake, IN.  Lord willing, I'll be graduating on May 13th of 2017 with my Bachelor's in Counseling!

Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love on Her Arms, says frequently, "We need one another.  There's no reason to judge.  People are more fragile than you could possibly imagine". 

This of one of his many quotes that I could use to sum up why I am so passionate about counseling.  No matter what we are currently going through, we need other people.  The end.  

Counseling is a great way to reach people with truth, and connect them with the resources that they need.  As Jamie said, "(i want) ...to connect and be alive in this place, to listen and lean against the darkness, and to reach in if possible".  God has given me a passion to connect with and encourage hurting people.  2 Corinthians 1:3-5 tells us that we have been comforted in Christ in order to comfort other people.  The pain that I have walked through in life gives me the opportunity to reach out to other hurting people.

I would love to work with teenagers and young adults in the mental health field.  Achieving my Bachelor's degree is only one of the many steps in getting my license to counsel. Coming up next, I have  Graduate School.  

That has been on my mind a lot, and I would very much appreciate prayer as I start looking into schools.  As part of the application process I will need to take the GRE (Graduate Record Examination... essentially the SAT for grad school) and the GRE subject test in psychology.  It is a lot of studying to add onto my normal life, as well as a pretty large expense (the GRE is over $200, and the psych subject test is $150).

There are lots of options, with some being online Master's programs, and others being moving across the country to spend five years in a blended Master's & Doctoral program.  It is overwhelming, to say the least.  I am trying to rest in the knowledge that God knows what is happening in my life.  He knows where I am now, and has a plan for me that is greater than anything that I could ask or imagine.  It can still be a little scary at times!

If you are still reading this, than you must care a lot. THANK YOU.  Thank you for being a part of my life in your own special way.  You have a unique purpose, and this world needs you.

I never would have made it this far without my parents.  Thank you for loving me, even though you knew and saw me in my most unloveable moments.  Thank you for giving me to God even before I was born.  I know it isn't easy, but because of that you encourage me to follow my passions and whatever God calls me to.  Thank you.  I didn't realize how much I appreciated this until I had friends whose parents are not supportive of them following God.  Thank you.

Thank you, Olivia, for living with me these past two years, and signing on for a third.  I'm pretty sure that I would have dropped out without your encouragement and kindness.  Thank you for reminding me to just turn in the papers that I am crying over, encouraging me to love on the people around me, and going on so many adventures together.

I could thank so many people who have had an impact on me, but I'll save that for more personal moments.  Just know that I am SO grateful for each and every one of you.

Ways that you can support me:

1. Pray for me.  Pray that I hang in there for this last year of undergrad.  Pray that I use the impact that I have in each of my jobs for good, and to point people to Christ.  Pray that I have the money to take my tests.  Pray that I pass all of my classes (fingers crossed).  Pray that I can be patient and follow God's leading.  

2. Send me mail.  I hate asking because I feel needy, but honestly, mail is probably what makes me feel the most loved.  Some days it is very hard to be in Indiana and not in Pennsylvania with my family, or in any of the other states or countries that I have left pieces of my heart in.  Even simple three sentence cards are a reminder that I am loved and cared for, that people remember me.  

My address is:

Moriah Conant

Box #58

200 Seminary Drive

Winona Lake, IN 46590

3. I am trying to earn an Origami Owl kit through this online party https://mconant.origamiowl.com/shop/party/308103 in order to start selling it.  Hopefully this will help pay for some of the tests and extra expenses that I have.  If you want to place an order to support that, I would appreciate it (or if you just want to help me pay for the kit).  

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I am so grateful for all of the people that God has put in my life.  

I am a Being- Part 3

When searching to learn more about God, and seeking His heart in who He is, I have learned more about who I am.  Many of these apply to you as well, so read on, my friend.

I AM:

• No longer condemned - Romans 8:1
• God's Daughter - Romans 8:15 
• Worth More than Rubies- Proverbs 31:10
• PRAISED for Fearing the Lord- Proverbs 31:30
• Powerful Through Words- Proverbs 18:21
• Set Free- Psalm 146:7
• Handmade- Psalm 139:13-14
• Watched Over- Psalm 121:5
• Protected- Psalm 91:14
• Heard- Psalm 40:1
• Healed- Jeremiah 17:14
• A Caregiver of Jesus- Matthew 25:40
• A Conqueror- Romans 8:37
• Chosen- Ephesians 1:4
• God's Masterpiece- Ephesians 2:10

You are loved.  I am loved.  Beautiful, beautiful souls, be at peace in God.  

Continue seeking his heart and learn who you are in His eyes.  As you seek Him more and more, you will learn who you are in His eyes.

I am a Being- Part 2

I have told myself for too many years that I cannot bear weight.  In my mind, I have not yet earned that privilege.

I too often find my identity in the wrong place.  You see, I'm constantly searching.  I want to know that I am enough, that I will be loved unconditionally, no matter how many irrational situations I come up with, despite my not so funny jokes, and my aptitude for being stone faced.  

I am afraid.  Afraid of loving, and not being loved in return.  In Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge the authors shared how in the way that women were created, they display the relational side of God.  Demonstrated in the way that women's hearts are to be pursued we learn how to seek after our Father.  Women instinctively care and fight for the hearts of people.  Being vulnerable is one way that women share their beauty, and take care of the hearts that are around them.  One quote that I particularly liked says ,"When God gives a friend, he is entrusting us with the care of another's heart" (Eldridge, page 181).  Where we find our most painful wounds is in relationships, and those can come from us being careless with either the hearts of others, or our own heart.  

Eldridge also shared, "We don't feel worthy of pursuit. So we hand a do not disturb sign on our personalities, send a back off message to the world. ... We don't feel that we are irreplaceable, so we try and make ourselves useful" (page 80).  This quote is so painfully true to me.  My heart hurts from wounds that are, in some cases, years old.  The wounds coming from careless or even intentional words, people who rejected me, and large gaps of silence that leave my overactive imagination to fill with reasons.  

Because of how my heart hurts, I have buried me under far too many layers. You either have to know me well, or be someone special to have seen the Moriah that was mentioned in the first part.  That's the imperfect Moriah, the one who needs a lot of grace and love.  That Moriah feels vulnerable and scared, so she pushes people away, and is wary of any sort of pursuit.  

PSA, Moriah.  Hiding the real you doesn't help.  Hardening your heart to the desire of being pursued allows you to forget what beauty is in pursuit, and in the way that you can know God in that.  

Rather than finding your identity in being a sinner, or a girlfriend, or a career woman, try this.  Find your identity as the beloved child of God.  Knowing that your Father is the Creator of the Universe inspires awe, and encourages you to stretch out of your comfort zone and learn to be more like Him.  

When your identity is found in being the precious son or daughter of God, he will show you who He designed for you to be. The continuation of this post will share some of what I have learned about my identity in Jesus.

Missed part one to "I am a Being"?  Read it here.