I have told myself for too many years that I cannot bear weight. In my mind, I have not yet earned that privilege.
I too often find my identity in the wrong place. You see, I'm constantly searching. I want to know that I am enough, that I will be loved unconditionally, no matter how many irrational situations I come up with, despite my not so funny jokes, and my aptitude for being stone faced.
I am afraid. Afraid of loving, and not being loved in return. In Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge the authors shared how in the way that women were created, they display the relational side of God. Demonstrated in the way that women's hearts are to be pursued we learn how to seek after our Father. Women instinctively care and fight for the hearts of people. Being vulnerable is one way that women share their beauty, and take care of the hearts that are around them. One quote that I particularly liked says ,"When God gives a friend, he is entrusting us with the care of another's heart" (Eldridge, page 181). Where we find our most painful wounds is in relationships, and those can come from us being careless with either the hearts of others, or our own heart.
Eldridge also shared, "We don't feel worthy of pursuit. So we hand a do not disturb sign on our personalities, send a back off message to the world. ... We don't feel that we are irreplaceable, so we try and make ourselves useful" (page 80). This quote is so painfully true to me. My heart hurts from wounds that are, in some cases, years old. The wounds coming from careless or even intentional words, people who rejected me, and large gaps of silence that leave my overactive imagination to fill with reasons.
Because of how my heart hurts, I have buried me under far too many layers. You either have to know me well, or be someone special to have seen the Moriah that was mentioned in the first part. That's the imperfect Moriah, the one who needs a lot of grace and love. That Moriah feels vulnerable and scared, so she pushes people away, and is wary of any sort of pursuit.
PSA, Moriah. Hiding the real you doesn't help. Hardening your heart to the desire of being pursued allows you to forget what beauty is in pursuit, and in the way that you can know God in that.
Rather than finding your identity in being a sinner, or a girlfriend, or a career woman, try this. Find your identity as the beloved child of God. Knowing that your Father is the Creator of the Universe inspires awe, and encourages you to stretch out of your comfort zone and learn to be more like Him.
When your identity is found in being the precious son or daughter of God, he will show you who He designed for you to be. The continuation of this post will share some of what I have learned about my identity in Jesus.
Missed part one to "I am a Being"? Read it here.