Explosions

For anyone who didn't know, I'm spending my summer as a custodial worker on my college campus. That gives me 40 hours of work for my hands, but maybe not so much for my mind.  While working, I have plenty of time for thinking, and this week I've decided that I want to break my unintentional writing hiatus.

My blog, journaling, letters, and writing poetry are all ways that I express myself, and even learn what I am feeling.  Because of how deeply writing is ingrained in me, it feels so natural to write.  I can't imagine not being able to pull out one of my favorite pens, smooth out a page of paper, and how I feel carry away my pen.

However, for the past couple of months I've felt like this quote fit perfectly.

"I wanted to write down
exactly what I felt
but somehow
the paper stayed empty

and I could not have
described it any better"
-wtm


I think I'm ready to resume writing.  If I don't go back to writing, my thoughts may explode.

So if your heart desires to read some of my heart, check into this blog every so often.

My thoughts are swirling and my fingers are typing faster than I can keep up with them.

Goodbyes

Goodbyes are the worst.

No matter how long you've known the person, and how strong the relationship is, goodbyes are always hard.

Goodbyes are especially hard when you're a young adult.  Early adulthood is when there are a ton of changes.  You graduate high school, go to college (locally or far away), start a career, make new friends, date- you know how it goes.  Since everyone is going through so many changes at the same time it can be difficult to know if those relationships will continue, or if they'll fade away as time goes on.

Tears flow as the grief squeezes your heart, and everything that is in you, sucking the air out of your lungs and leaving plenty of room for the ache that remains.

And you unfortunately cannot feign the 'see ya later, this isn't goodbye', because you know that this probably is your final goodbye to some of the people that you have had in your life.

But don't give up on relationships too quickly.  There is still good in them, even when some end in painful goodbyes.

The more painful the goodbye, the more you probably got out of the relationship.

Even though goodbyes are the worst, they also mark new hellos.  So be open for those hellos, and be ready to greet them with a smile.

Dry Seasons

Do you ever have periods in your life where it feels like everything around you is dying and that death is hurting you too?

Time is flying by for everything around you.  The passing time is working it's inevitable results, and your surroundings are fading away. 

The death that surrounds you seems to be sucking the life out of you as well.  No matter how hard you struggle to get your head above the water, it pulls you under once again.  You start to take in water, the cold liquid rushes in your mouth and causes you to sputter.  The added weight only makes you sink more.

You start to wonder, "Is there even hope in this situation?  Will I ever get out? Will I die here?"

And it is hard to remember that there is hope.

But please, please hang in there.

You are loved and things will get better.

God promises better days (Romans 8:28).

The rain will come, and you will be refreshed.

Hang on.

Running Home

When I decided to move two states away from my family for college I didn't think it was that big of a deal.  Eight hours can be driven in a day.  We've driven further than that before, it will be fine.  I spent six weeks away from home one summer.  I don't get homesick.

All of these things I told myself to make the transition seem smoother as I moved on to this new stage of life.

But then there were the days that it was the birthday of a sibling, and I was in another state, or even another country.
And I cried.  Because I was far away and it hurt to see the pictures of everyone together except for me.

And I saw my baby sister and she clung to my family because she didn't know me.

And the people around me went home to their families on the weekends and talked about their comfortable beds, and their goofy families.

And similar instances occurred and I've been reminded the importance of a home base.

Because whenever things get tough, everyone needs a home base.  It could be a physical place, or maybe just a group of people that you know and can rely on.

No one can live life alone. People need other people.

Find your home base.

GO HOME when you need to.

Ask for help.

Don't try to live life alone.

Does God Like Me?

I read a blog post that really resonated with me. You should click on the link below and read it too. 

http://dearhanna.com/2015/03/10/jesus-doesnt-like-me/

What Hanna was sharing is so crucial to the foundation of any relationship, whether with humans or God. Unfortunately, it is also a very hard concept to apply to life. It can feel so easy to believe the lies, and continue in the false beliefs that we are living in. Changing beliefs and thought processes is SO HARD. The false belief that God doesn't like us becomes a building block to our other thoughts and rationalizations. 

If God doesn't like me, I can't like me. If God doesn't like me, and I don't like me, other people certainly won't like me. And it quickly becomes this downward spiral of thoughts. 

Self hate and anxiety about relationships comes because we don't feel secure in who we are. After all, we're convinced that the God of the universe doesn't like us. If our creator only tolerates us because he loves us, what hope do we have of liking ourselves and being in relationships where people like us?  So we are afraid of God giving up on us. We're afraid of the opinions of others. And to top it all off, we are afraid of how we view ourselves. 

"Why am I so fat? I hate my body."

"Why do I get flustered when I have so much to do? I'm incapable of getting it all done."

"Why are my relationships always failures? I can't relate to people."

And so on and so forth. We tell ourselves negative thing after negative thing, not giving ourselves permission to like the good parts of us. 

Guess what?!

GOD LIKES US. 

He created us to be His precious children and shows us unconditional love, all the while still liking us. 

If God likes us, we have the permission to believe that we are capable to like ourselves, and believe that others can do the same. 

If this is something you struggle to believe, you aren't the only one. This is one truth that I find very difficult to believe some days. Those days that I can't believe that there is anything in me worth salvaging. Why would God choose to like me?

I don't know the whole answer, but he does. He likes me, and he likes you too!