I am a Being- Part 3

When searching to learn more about God, and seeking His heart in who He is, I have learned more about who I am.  Many of these apply to you as well, so read on, my friend.

I AM:

• No longer condemned - Romans 8:1
• God's Daughter - Romans 8:15 
• Worth More than Rubies- Proverbs 31:10
• PRAISED for Fearing the Lord- Proverbs 31:30
• Powerful Through Words- Proverbs 18:21
• Set Free- Psalm 146:7
• Handmade- Psalm 139:13-14
• Watched Over- Psalm 121:5
• Protected- Psalm 91:14
• Heard- Psalm 40:1
• Healed- Jeremiah 17:14
• A Caregiver of Jesus- Matthew 25:40
• A Conqueror- Romans 8:37
• Chosen- Ephesians 1:4
• God's Masterpiece- Ephesians 2:10

You are loved.  I am loved.  Beautiful, beautiful souls, be at peace in God.  

Continue seeking his heart and learn who you are in His eyes.  As you seek Him more and more, you will learn who you are in His eyes.

I am a Being- Part 2

I have told myself for too many years that I cannot bear weight.  In my mind, I have not yet earned that privilege.

I too often find my identity in the wrong place.  You see, I'm constantly searching.  I want to know that I am enough, that I will be loved unconditionally, no matter how many irrational situations I come up with, despite my not so funny jokes, and my aptitude for being stone faced.  

I am afraid.  Afraid of loving, and not being loved in return.  In Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge the authors shared how in the way that women were created, they display the relational side of God.  Demonstrated in the way that women's hearts are to be pursued we learn how to seek after our Father.  Women instinctively care and fight for the hearts of people.  Being vulnerable is one way that women share their beauty, and take care of the hearts that are around them.  One quote that I particularly liked says ,"When God gives a friend, he is entrusting us with the care of another's heart" (Eldridge, page 181).  Where we find our most painful wounds is in relationships, and those can come from us being careless with either the hearts of others, or our own heart.  

Eldridge also shared, "We don't feel worthy of pursuit. So we hand a do not disturb sign on our personalities, send a back off message to the world. ... We don't feel that we are irreplaceable, so we try and make ourselves useful" (page 80).  This quote is so painfully true to me.  My heart hurts from wounds that are, in some cases, years old.  The wounds coming from careless or even intentional words, people who rejected me, and large gaps of silence that leave my overactive imagination to fill with reasons.  

Because of how my heart hurts, I have buried me under far too many layers. You either have to know me well, or be someone special to have seen the Moriah that was mentioned in the first part.  That's the imperfect Moriah, the one who needs a lot of grace and love.  That Moriah feels vulnerable and scared, so she pushes people away, and is wary of any sort of pursuit.  

PSA, Moriah.  Hiding the real you doesn't help.  Hardening your heart to the desire of being pursued allows you to forget what beauty is in pursuit, and in the way that you can know God in that.  

Rather than finding your identity in being a sinner, or a girlfriend, or a career woman, try this.  Find your identity as the beloved child of God.  Knowing that your Father is the Creator of the Universe inspires awe, and encourages you to stretch out of your comfort zone and learn to be more like Him.  

When your identity is found in being the precious son or daughter of God, he will show you who He designed for you to be. The continuation of this post will share some of what I have learned about my identity in Jesus.

Missed part one to "I am a Being"?  Read it here.

I am a Being- Part One

I am terrified of dying alone.  Of the thousands of things in life that scare me, I believe that I fear this outcome the most.

Hoping to avoid this, I have come up with numerous solutions to change what I sometimes see as an inevitable outcome.

I have taught myself the 'correct' way to interact with people.  This practiced equation means that I care for others, loving on them and making sure that they are doing okay.  I remind them to be themselves.  To take risks.  Pursue their dreams.  I try to be the most supportive friend that I could possibly be.  I love seeing the people that I adore grow into their personalities and follow where God is leading them.  I frequently talk about 'momming' people, and this is just one of the ways that I mom others.  I enjoy celebrating the accomplishments of others, and watching the many ways that they impact the world around them.  I love the behind the scenes aspect of 'being a mom'.  I beam radiantly, knowing that I played a piece (however small it may have been) in their accomplishment.

What do I expect from the other side of this friendship? I tiptoe lightly, as if they have laid down eggshells for me to walk on.  I gather up all of the weight that I think I am and hold it as far away from the people that love me.  I fear that if people perceive me as a bother that they will instantly pack up and walk away.  So when feelings try to come up, I tell those feelings to calm their crap down, and paint on a smile.  I have told myself for too many years that I cannot bear weight.  In my mind, I have not yet earned that privilege.

You have to travel through many layers of my person in order to get to the real Moriah.  The Moriah that hurts sometimes, and longs to be known- even though she has said she is 'fine' one hundred times today.  That's the person that laughs uncontrollably at her own puns and sarcastic comments.  She's also the one that often convinces herself that she is forgotten.  That the opened, and unanswered snapchats are a reflection on the quality of a friendship, or her own person.  Or that when the text still hasn't been answered four hours after it was sent, that she is a bother.

It's illogical, I know.  But each 'confirmation' tucks the real Moriah a tiny bit deeper, screaming, "PROTECT ME AT ALL COSTS. You know that they won't stay forever, and at some point they will be walking away".

I am learning so much.  And this will be continued to be shared very soon.


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2016 is a Firecracker

Once upon a time, I spent my New Year's Eve on a train, bawling and writing about my hopes and dreams for 2016 (check that out here).

Dang.  It has been quite a year.  I have learned, and grown, and lived through more than I ever could have imagined.  I have no idea how to fit that all into a mere collection of letters, so I'll leave it at a brief explanation for now.  I am hoping that there will be more words to come: lots of them.

In order to keep myself accountable to the goals that I set, I'm coming back to that list that I penned many nights ago.

• Learn how to and then maintain a budget.  Adulting wants to make me curl in the fetal position and play Stressed Out on repeat, but it has to happen. Well, I learned how to budget.  Still working on the consistency part of maintaining a budget... Ain't It Fun is a fairly accurate song to my adult life as well

• Get a job that pays higher than minimum wage. A girl can dream, right? I got a raise.  A small one, but a raise none the less.  Goal accomplished.

• Learn ballet.  My lack of grace and balance has kept me away from dance for 19 years, but I would love to care for my body by strengthening it in this way.  Umm.... this one is still a work in progress

• Continue to be mentored.  I am thankful beyond words for the people who wrap there arms around me and live out one of my pastor's favorite phrases.  This is what we get to do.  We get to love broken people.  It is a privilege to see the lives of others and be there in the hurt and the joy.  While I have learned how to show this love to others, I am not good at accepting it.  I want to keep letting people into my heart.  Still so grateful for the growth that my year has given me in this area.  I love the people that choose to pour into my life and make me a better person.

Loving mentoring as well.

• Start writing a book.  Lifelong dream, 'nuff said.   Yeah, I need to work on this as well...

• Be a more consistent blogger, and improve my blog. Baby steps.  It's coming.  (And more changes to come!!)

• Bible journal at least once a week.  I am so excited about getting a journaling Bible as a Christmas present, and want to be consistent in using it. Not perfect in this area, but I LOVE how using my journaling Bible encourages me to slow down and take my time when I am in fellowship with Jesus.

• Follow through with the contentment challenge.  Read about it here.  This was so great to be part of.  I highly recommend the challenge.

• Follow through with 30 days of writing.  My friend Sky and I are doing this together! Find her at www.skyvsworld.com   I was not very faithful in this aspect 

• Keep painting.  I loved watercolor, even though the class was discouraging at times.  I want to keep painting with a few friends because we enjoy painting together.  Yes.  Loving the moments that I have gotten to spend painting.

Like I mentioned, 2016 has been quite the crazy year.  I want to add a few things to my list of goals, and then follow up later in the year on how I'm doing.

• Learn more graphic design.  I've started working on this, and I want to stick with it, and use this as a possible side business, and use the skills to enhance my blog.  

• Keep sticking out relationships, even when I'm scared.

• Be faithful in spending quiet time with God.  It has such a huge impact on me, but I too easily dismiss it when I am short on time.

Hey.  If you stuck around this far, thanks.  There will be more continuing if you want to return.

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