Can Beauty be Found in a Beast?

I wrote a blog post in the middle of night a few days ago, hoping to empty some of the weight out of my mind.  I couldn't sleep, and couldn't stop crying.  No better time than the present, right?

The intent was simply to wish a goodbye to a sweet friend and get some thoughts down on 'paper'.  I had no idea that the post would become my most viewed post of the six years that I have had a blog.    It's interesting how it was not any of the feel good posts, the tutorials, or a cheesy prompt.

It was a post about some of the deepest valleys that I have walked through, and the difficult lessons that I have learned in this season of life.  I am amazed to find that I currently have over 400 page views on my post about Gracie.  The post was my goodbye to a friend who died suddenly about three months ago.  The post was written directly to Gracie, and was solely for me to express my feelings.  I was shocked by the amount of people who chose to engage with the words that I wrote.

But we connect when we choose to be real.  We can relate to pain because we know hurt.  We want to hear honesty about how people are doing, and not just see the perfect masks.

For someone who, at times, feels engulfed by the darkness, it can feel hard to believe that others want to step into that space.  Difficult to imagine that they would want to share a flickering candle, and allow their huge bonfire or small flame to overcome the darkness.  The gifts that God has bestowed on the people around me constantly surprise me in positive ways.  I have been touched by people who care, and who startle me daily in a happy fashion.

AND SO I KEPT LIVING.

I keep living.  I continue on in the hopes that the difficult times will bring bittersweet memories full of laughter and tears.  I keep living for the promise that God will never leave me.  And I live knowing that Jesus has promised to stick with me no matter what I am walking through.

I'm still here.  Long after the first day that I felt hopeless, and after many days of the lies seeming to beat out the truth.

I'm here because I am actively making a choice to cling to hope when I cannot see through the fog.  Even when it takes another living, breathing person to remind me just to make it to tomorrow.

And then to celebrate that victory when it comes.  Because no matter how painful it is, it will come.

We have all dealt with pain in our lives.  Being able to address that pain makes us seem more human to the people around us.  They can connect to us, and love on us, and say "I've been there too".

Because people have.  One of the greatest lies that satan tries to tell us is that you are trapped in the darkness alone, with no hope in sight.

Let me tell you.  You are not alone.

Connect to people who share their stories honestly.  Talk with people that you trust. Stuck on that one? Try a parent, sibling, friend, teacher, counselor: look again if you think you are alone.  Or email me at owls2fly@yahoo.com.   I would love to help connect you to trusted resources.

As you are reminded of hope, remind others to hope as well.

I am proud of you.

High Tops for Grace

Gracie,
I wish I could have just one more conversation with you.
But, honestly, I don't know how it would go if I were offered a chance at a conversation.

Let's be real though.  If anyone should have one more talk with you, I wouldn't want it to be me.  I would gladly give the opportunity to your sweet mama who carried you inside of her for nine months, and cherished you as you grew up into a beautiful young lady.  Or, your loving sisters who held onto you through tears of triumph and tears of grief.

Sweet Gracie, you are loved by so many.

Your twelve years seem far too short to those of us who are missing you.  I am so grateful for the promise of eternity in heaven with God and those who love him.  Without that promise I'm not sure that many, if anyone at all, would make it through the bitter grief of death.

Because God is good, we rest in knowing that we'll see you someday soon.

Grace Evangeline, I remember the day you were born.  I played in my yard with your siblings, basking in the sun and the excited energy that was in the air.  None of us could wait to meet you, and hug your tiny self.  I watched Rachel braid bread to take home to share with your mama as we all dreamt about what you would be like.

And ever since May 8 of 2004, we could not imagine life without you.  Even though the two of you didn't have much time to live in the same state, Bethany found a best friend in you.  She treasured each letter, each phone call, and counted down days between visits.

Nothing could separate the two of you during those precious times together.  I smiled every time I walked into a room and found you two holding hands and grinning.  Even though I would shake my head and pretend to disapprove of the mischief, I missed the days when I too felt carefree and could clasp hands with my best friend, forgetting that the world existed.  I actually loved that sight, no matter what you read from my face.

I miss it so much.  It doesn't feel right to walk into a room with your siblings, to find Bethany alone.  I don't understand why it was your time to go.  I may never understand why that moment was the one.    Your story is still touching the hearts of so many people.

I envy you, ya know.  Joy seemed to come so easily to you.  You are gentle, and loving.  You always had a smile on your face and a kind word to pass on.  Those actions are difficult for me.  I have to spend a loooooooot of time with Jesus if I want to be nice.  You are so good at it.  And Gracie, your music blessed others as well.

The length of your life had no affect on the depth or fullness of it.  You loved people with only a passion that God could have given, and the ripples of that love are still going strong.

I used to hate the color red.  It's so bold, almost abrasive to my eyes, and my quiet personality.  Red demands attention and I avoid the spotlight.  Red is also frequently associated with blood.  Blood typically leads to me passed out on the floor, and all kinds of pleasant memories like that.  I normally pick subdued colors.  Black is great, or a nice gray even.  Something quiet that just serves the purpose of clothing me.

Your beloved red Converse shoes changed that in terms of my footwear, and taught me a few things along the way.  You told Bethany that the reason that you adored your shoes is because red goes with everything.  To you, the red high-top shoes were perfect for every occasion.  I'm sorry that you couldn't wear them to Chelsie's wedding.  She wore them with her dress the next week at her PA reception.  I'm not sure how heaven works, but I hope you at least got to catch a glimpse of that.

We wore them too, even the little boys.  We told your story to so many people who stopped us asking, "What's with the red Converse?"  We explained the beauty of your soul, your loving heart.  We shared that you were in heaven, spending eternity with Jesus.  You're a missionary, Gracie.  Your story has reached so many people.

We cried, a lot.  But we laughed, a lot.  And sometimes, we did both simultaneously. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything that a person could offer to me.  I got to enter a world of imagination with Caleb and Josh, and see them sweetly love on each other.  Mark and I reconnected after so many years of going different directions.  I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but I don't think we're getting married any time soon.  

It's funny, but I think I'm still learning from you and your shoes.  Not all attention is inherently evil, I suppose.  The attention the color red draws gives me a chance to share your story, and the grace of God with so many people.  

I really struggle with feeling the need to be put together.  I don't want to disappoint God, or anyone else that I valued.  So I do my best to put on a perfect face, and keep all of my crap together.  Long story short, that helps no one.  In a short analogy that may only make sense to me, my mistakes are kind of like the red shoes.  They might draw attention, but they point the focus and glory to someone else.  And, they go with everything.  Eveeeeeeeen when I cringe at the thought of putting pink socks with red shoes, or (the horror) yellow socks.  I don't have to everything put together in the way that I want it to be.  I have found out that it is OKAY.  Thanks for reminding me.

I'm not put together, and I don't need to pretend to be.

I can't believe it has been three months to the day since this picture was taken.

Do I treat each moment as if it could be my last, remembering the impact that words and actions have, and treasuring the people around me?  You inspired my latest tattoo.  Chelsie, Karissa, and I all have the same tattoo, tying us together and reminding us to be ready for Jesus' return or our deaths. 

I want to let Jesus use me, just as you were open to being His hands and feet.  Thank you for the sweet reminders, and the precious memories.  

While we know you are in a better place, held in the arms of our loving Heavenly Father, we still miss you.  Thanks for being ours for twelve beautiful years.

I love you, sweet Gracie.

~Moriah

Life Changes

As I head into another school year I just wanted to update everyone on where I am in life.  

Tomorrow I start the journey back to school.  I'll be a senior at Grace College in Winona Lake, IN.  Lord willing, I'll be graduating on May 13th of 2017 with my Bachelor's in Counseling!

Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love on Her Arms, says frequently, "We need one another.  There's no reason to judge.  People are more fragile than you could possibly imagine". 

This of one of his many quotes that I could use to sum up why I am so passionate about counseling.  No matter what we are currently going through, we need other people.  The end.  

Counseling is a great way to reach people with truth, and connect them with the resources that they need.  As Jamie said, "(i want) ...to connect and be alive in this place, to listen and lean against the darkness, and to reach in if possible".  God has given me a passion to connect with and encourage hurting people.  2 Corinthians 1:3-5 tells us that we have been comforted in Christ in order to comfort other people.  The pain that I have walked through in life gives me the opportunity to reach out to other hurting people.

I would love to work with teenagers and young adults in the mental health field.  Achieving my Bachelor's degree is only one of the many steps in getting my license to counsel. Coming up next, I have  Graduate School.  

That has been on my mind a lot, and I would very much appreciate prayer as I start looking into schools.  As part of the application process I will need to take the GRE (Graduate Record Examination... essentially the SAT for grad school) and the GRE subject test in psychology.  It is a lot of studying to add onto my normal life, as well as a pretty large expense (the GRE is over $200, and the psych subject test is $150).

There are lots of options, with some being online Master's programs, and others being moving across the country to spend five years in a blended Master's & Doctoral program.  It is overwhelming, to say the least.  I am trying to rest in the knowledge that God knows what is happening in my life.  He knows where I am now, and has a plan for me that is greater than anything that I could ask or imagine.  It can still be a little scary at times!

If you are still reading this, than you must care a lot. THANK YOU.  Thank you for being a part of my life in your own special way.  You have a unique purpose, and this world needs you.

I never would have made it this far without my parents.  Thank you for loving me, even though you knew and saw me in my most unloveable moments.  Thank you for giving me to God even before I was born.  I know it isn't easy, but because of that you encourage me to follow my passions and whatever God calls me to.  Thank you.  I didn't realize how much I appreciated this until I had friends whose parents are not supportive of them following God.  Thank you.

Thank you, Olivia, for living with me these past two years, and signing on for a third.  I'm pretty sure that I would have dropped out without your encouragement and kindness.  Thank you for reminding me to just turn in the papers that I am crying over, encouraging me to love on the people around me, and going on so many adventures together.

I could thank so many people who have had an impact on me, but I'll save that for more personal moments.  Just know that I am SO grateful for each and every one of you.

Ways that you can support me:

1. Pray for me.  Pray that I hang in there for this last year of undergrad.  Pray that I use the impact that I have in each of my jobs for good, and to point people to Christ.  Pray that I have the money to take my tests.  Pray that I pass all of my classes (fingers crossed).  Pray that I can be patient and follow God's leading.  

2. Send me mail.  I hate asking because I feel needy, but honestly, mail is probably what makes me feel the most loved.  Some days it is very hard to be in Indiana and not in Pennsylvania with my family, or in any of the other states or countries that I have left pieces of my heart in.  Even simple three sentence cards are a reminder that I am loved and cared for, that people remember me.  

My address is:

Moriah Conant

Box #58

200 Seminary Drive

Winona Lake, IN 46590

3. I am trying to earn an Origami Owl kit through this online party https://mconant.origamiowl.com/shop/party/308103 in order to start selling it.  Hopefully this will help pay for some of the tests and extra expenses that I have.  If you want to place an order to support that, I would appreciate it (or if you just want to help me pay for the kit).  

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I am so grateful for all of the people that God has put in my life.  

I am a Being- Part 3

When searching to learn more about God, and seeking His heart in who He is, I have learned more about who I am.  Many of these apply to you as well, so read on, my friend.

I AM:

• No longer condemned - Romans 8:1
• God's Daughter - Romans 8:15 
• Worth More than Rubies- Proverbs 31:10
• PRAISED for Fearing the Lord- Proverbs 31:30
• Powerful Through Words- Proverbs 18:21
• Set Free- Psalm 146:7
• Handmade- Psalm 139:13-14
• Watched Over- Psalm 121:5
• Protected- Psalm 91:14
• Heard- Psalm 40:1
• Healed- Jeremiah 17:14
• A Caregiver of Jesus- Matthew 25:40
• A Conqueror- Romans 8:37
• Chosen- Ephesians 1:4
• God's Masterpiece- Ephesians 2:10

You are loved.  I am loved.  Beautiful, beautiful souls, be at peace in God.  

Continue seeking his heart and learn who you are in His eyes.  As you seek Him more and more, you will learn who you are in His eyes.

I am a Being- Part 2

I have told myself for too many years that I cannot bear weight.  In my mind, I have not yet earned that privilege.

I too often find my identity in the wrong place.  You see, I'm constantly searching.  I want to know that I am enough, that I will be loved unconditionally, no matter how many irrational situations I come up with, despite my not so funny jokes, and my aptitude for being stone faced.  

I am afraid.  Afraid of loving, and not being loved in return.  In Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge the authors shared how in the way that women were created, they display the relational side of God.  Demonstrated in the way that women's hearts are to be pursued we learn how to seek after our Father.  Women instinctively care and fight for the hearts of people.  Being vulnerable is one way that women share their beauty, and take care of the hearts that are around them.  One quote that I particularly liked says ,"When God gives a friend, he is entrusting us with the care of another's heart" (Eldridge, page 181).  Where we find our most painful wounds is in relationships, and those can come from us being careless with either the hearts of others, or our own heart.  

Eldridge also shared, "We don't feel worthy of pursuit. So we hand a do not disturb sign on our personalities, send a back off message to the world. ... We don't feel that we are irreplaceable, so we try and make ourselves useful" (page 80).  This quote is so painfully true to me.  My heart hurts from wounds that are, in some cases, years old.  The wounds coming from careless or even intentional words, people who rejected me, and large gaps of silence that leave my overactive imagination to fill with reasons.  

Because of how my heart hurts, I have buried me under far too many layers. You either have to know me well, or be someone special to have seen the Moriah that was mentioned in the first part.  That's the imperfect Moriah, the one who needs a lot of grace and love.  That Moriah feels vulnerable and scared, so she pushes people away, and is wary of any sort of pursuit.  

PSA, Moriah.  Hiding the real you doesn't help.  Hardening your heart to the desire of being pursued allows you to forget what beauty is in pursuit, and in the way that you can know God in that.  

Rather than finding your identity in being a sinner, or a girlfriend, or a career woman, try this.  Find your identity as the beloved child of God.  Knowing that your Father is the Creator of the Universe inspires awe, and encourages you to stretch out of your comfort zone and learn to be more like Him.  

When your identity is found in being the precious son or daughter of God, he will show you who He designed for you to be. The continuation of this post will share some of what I have learned about my identity in Jesus.

Missed part one to "I am a Being"?  Read it here.

I am a Being- Part One

I am terrified of dying alone.  Of the thousands of things in life that scare me, I believe that I fear this outcome the most.

Hoping to avoid this, I have come up with numerous solutions to change what I sometimes see as an inevitable outcome.

I have taught myself the 'correct' way to interact with people.  This practiced equation means that I care for others, loving on them and making sure that they are doing okay.  I remind them to be themselves.  To take risks.  Pursue their dreams.  I try to be the most supportive friend that I could possibly be.  I love seeing the people that I adore grow into their personalities and follow where God is leading them.  I frequently talk about 'momming' people, and this is just one of the ways that I mom others.  I enjoy celebrating the accomplishments of others, and watching the many ways that they impact the world around them.  I love the behind the scenes aspect of 'being a mom'.  I beam radiantly, knowing that I played a piece (however small it may have been) in their accomplishment.

What do I expect from the other side of this friendship? I tiptoe lightly, as if they have laid down eggshells for me to walk on.  I gather up all of the weight that I think I am and hold it as far away from the people that love me.  I fear that if people perceive me as a bother that they will instantly pack up and walk away.  So when feelings try to come up, I tell those feelings to calm their crap down, and paint on a smile.  I have told myself for too many years that I cannot bear weight.  In my mind, I have not yet earned that privilege.

You have to travel through many layers of my person in order to get to the real Moriah.  The Moriah that hurts sometimes, and longs to be known- even though she has said she is 'fine' one hundred times today.  That's the person that laughs uncontrollably at her own puns and sarcastic comments.  She's also the one that often convinces herself that she is forgotten.  That the opened, and unanswered snapchats are a reflection on the quality of a friendship, or her own person.  Or that when the text still hasn't been answered four hours after it was sent, that she is a bother.

It's illogical, I know.  But each 'confirmation' tucks the real Moriah a tiny bit deeper, screaming, "PROTECT ME AT ALL COSTS. You know that they won't stay forever, and at some point they will be walking away".

I am learning so much.  And this will be continued to be shared very soon.


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2016 is a Firecracker

Once upon a time, I spent my New Year's Eve on a train, bawling and writing about my hopes and dreams for 2016 (check that out here).

Dang.  It has been quite a year.  I have learned, and grown, and lived through more than I ever could have imagined.  I have no idea how to fit that all into a mere collection of letters, so I'll leave it at a brief explanation for now.  I am hoping that there will be more words to come: lots of them.

In order to keep myself accountable to the goals that I set, I'm coming back to that list that I penned many nights ago.

• Learn how to and then maintain a budget.  Adulting wants to make me curl in the fetal position and play Stressed Out on repeat, but it has to happen. Well, I learned how to budget.  Still working on the consistency part of maintaining a budget... Ain't It Fun is a fairly accurate song to my adult life as well

• Get a job that pays higher than minimum wage. A girl can dream, right? I got a raise.  A small one, but a raise none the less.  Goal accomplished.

• Learn ballet.  My lack of grace and balance has kept me away from dance for 19 years, but I would love to care for my body by strengthening it in this way.  Umm.... this one is still a work in progress

• Continue to be mentored.  I am thankful beyond words for the people who wrap there arms around me and live out one of my pastor's favorite phrases.  This is what we get to do.  We get to love broken people.  It is a privilege to see the lives of others and be there in the hurt and the joy.  While I have learned how to show this love to others, I am not good at accepting it.  I want to keep letting people into my heart.  Still so grateful for the growth that my year has given me in this area.  I love the people that choose to pour into my life and make me a better person.

Loving mentoring as well.

• Start writing a book.  Lifelong dream, 'nuff said.   Yeah, I need to work on this as well...

• Be a more consistent blogger, and improve my blog. Baby steps.  It's coming.  (And more changes to come!!)

• Bible journal at least once a week.  I am so excited about getting a journaling Bible as a Christmas present, and want to be consistent in using it. Not perfect in this area, but I LOVE how using my journaling Bible encourages me to slow down and take my time when I am in fellowship with Jesus.

• Follow through with the contentment challenge.  Read about it here.  This was so great to be part of.  I highly recommend the challenge.

• Follow through with 30 days of writing.  My friend Sky and I are doing this together! Find her at www.skyvsworld.com   I was not very faithful in this aspect 

• Keep painting.  I loved watercolor, even though the class was discouraging at times.  I want to keep painting with a few friends because we enjoy painting together.  Yes.  Loving the moments that I have gotten to spend painting.

Like I mentioned, 2016 has been quite the crazy year.  I want to add a few things to my list of goals, and then follow up later in the year on how I'm doing.

• Learn more graphic design.  I've started working on this, and I want to stick with it, and use this as a possible side business, and use the skills to enhance my blog.  

• Keep sticking out relationships, even when I'm scared.

• Be faithful in spending quiet time with God.  It has such a huge impact on me, but I too easily dismiss it when I am short on time.

Hey.  If you stuck around this far, thanks.  There will be more continuing if you want to return.

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Honesty is the Best Policy

I want to preface this by saying that I do not think that blunt honesty is necessary or wise in every single situation.  However, I think that many of us have fallen into the habit of stretching the truth, and not being very honest about our lives.

Before you get offended, please hear me out.

When is the last time that you honestly answered the question, "How are you doing?"

When you post a picture on Instagram, do you include the tough parts of your day in the caption, or just the highlights?

Does your tweet include a balanced view of the entire story?

Our culture makes it so easy to pretend.  We can easily appear to be doing much differently than we seem to be.  And I know this from first hand experience with pretending.  Much like breathing, it seems to come naturally for me to 'suck it up and deal with it'.

You wipe away the smudged mascara, put a smile on, and push through whatever is going on.  However, fake masks take away our opportunities to have real connections with the living, breathing humans that surround us.  The idea of brokenness is something that has been coming up a lot lately.  I struggle with the desire to be a perfectionist.  If I could make everything right in the world, I would.  I would exhaust all of my energy and resources in order to help others.  That's how God wired me.  I love taking care of others and helping them in hard times.  When it comes to me, however, I want to appear to be put together.  I don't want other people to have to worry about me, or feel the need to look after me.  I want everything to be in place, so I pretend that it is.

I don't often realize that I am worsening this situation by pretending.  My false pretense of being okay puts more pressure on others to do the same.  No one wants to be the odd man out.  If everyone else says that they are fine, most people will succumb to the pressure, and say that they are doing okay as well.  We are creating our own pretend world.  We are forcing people to fake the true state of their being.

The idea of being open and vulnerable with another human is intimidating.  It is difficult as well to follow through with.  However, it is so necessary in order to live in healthy community.   When we stop wearing masks we allow others to feel more comfortable without wearing their masks.  All of that to say, I am trying to work on being more bold with my life and my story.  I want others to know that because of Jesus, I can offer a safe place to be real, and to be known.  I am not perfect, and won't always have the most helpful responses.  I make mistakes often.  But, I do love people.  I want people to feel able to share who they truly are without the fear of judgement.

In order to practice this idea of being more honest and real about my life I have decided that for the month of April, I will post an honest Instagram post about my day.  I won't give you a second-by-second play of the entire twenty-four hours, but I want to share pieces of me.  These pieces will be messy.  They are not whole.  But they do make up my story.  Some days will be bad, and some days will be good.  Most will probably be a mix of both.  If this is something that is impactful for you, feel free to join in for one day, or the whole month.  Use the hashtag #honestapril if you decide to join in.

There is a reason for every strength and flaw that you are made up of.  You are unique, and no one else could take your place.  Don't hide the beauty of who God made you to be.

Show off Your Stories

People ask me about my tattoos often.  I have many reasons for each one that I currently have, and for the others that I plan on getting.

Each of the three tattoos that I have tells a piece of my story.  I've struggled a lot throughout my life with being vulnerable with other people.  I love tattoos because they are conversation starters.

I love being able to ask people why they have certain tattoos, and why they picked different designs.  The stories that they share with me are pieces of who they are.  Every time I ask others to share themselves with me I get the chance to connect with a new person.  Tattoos give me a way to start a conversation with people  that I would never have talked to otherwise.

My tattoos allow me to connect with others through my story.  I am thankful for the gift of encouragement that God has given me to share with others.  I have learned on my journey of vulnerability that sharing my story gives me cool opportunities.

These precious times that I have spent with others have shown me grace, and allowed me the chance to tell others the grace that God extends to them.  Because it is hard for me to just offer conversation, my tattoos give me reason to share my story.  And each portion of my story is a precious reminder of what God has done for me.

He is giving me strength and grace to take each day as it comes.  Currently I have the opportunity to be studying counseling.  I am learning things every day that will allow me to help other people.

And I am so excited about it.

I am very grateful that I get to be in a difficult, but very impactful line of work.  Jesus works in and through hurting people.  Pain pushes us closer to the healing that only God can give us.

Steady as they come, mountains remind me of my family and my home.  Not only my solid home and parents, I am also reminded of how steadfast God is no matter how faithless I am.

And God gives us passions to use for Him.  That is what my third tattoo represents.

Don't be afraid to ask people about the stories that their tattoos tell.  Just remember that each tattoo is a story.  Be kind when you ask.  Don't make jokes about their stories.

But ask.  Get to know their stories.  Ask me about my stories.

You Amaze Me

Today I was reminded of truth.

Jesus prays for me daily.

That put me in a state of awe.  Why would Jesus pray for me?

After the immediate awe, a flood of emotions filled me.
Disbelief, humility, grief, a weight- so many emotions all at once.

It seems insane to me that Jesus, who is more important than any celebrity that I look up to, would think of me, and mention me by name to his father.  Did I mention that his father is the God of the universe??? Why on earth would he humble himself to the point of thinking of me?

It is incredibly humbling to know that Jesus prays for me.  I would not imagine that President Obama would call my boss to put in a good word for me.  Yet Jesus who reigns over the universe, takes the time to talk to his father for me.

I feel like all of my efforts pale drastically in comparison.  My feeble prayers look so small when compared with the perfect communion between God the father and His son Jesus.  Plus, there's that huge detail about how terribly inconsistent I am when it comes to praying.

I LOVE being independent.  When I am independent, I don't have to worry about if other people will follow through with their promises.  I also need not worry about being abandoned.  It's just me, myself, and I.  Being hurt by humans gives you awful scars that show through as distrust.  Sometimes it can be hidden, but in extremely stressful situations my lack of trust is a glaring attraction of attention.  I wish it wasn't the case.  I wish I could distinguish between my distrust of people and my need to take a leap of faith to trust God.  What I tend to forget is that when I refuse to trust God, I'm disrespectfully telling the Creator of the universe that he is not big enough to handle my life.

Talk about a shot to the heart!

Despite what I may feel at times, God has never left my side.  A constant companion, he sticks around to reassure my fearful heart of his promises.  If I could translate my head knowledge to heart knowledge, I would believe firmly that my heavenly Father is always with me.  Unfortunately, it is very easy in hard times for me to slip into the overwhelming feelings of being alone.  This huge disconnect screams at me when I try to imagine that Jesus prays for me daily.  I would have to believe that I'm not alone if I want to believe that Jesus intercedes through prayer on my behalf.

And that scares me.  It can be a long, difficult process to change a core belief.   It will probably take a lot of time to change what you see as truth.  The beliefs that you hold did not become true to you overnight.  In the same way, they will not be perfectly labeled as lies overnight.

Someone I respect greatly once shared this analogy with me.  Just like we have to tell small children over and over again to say thank you, we will have to remind ourselves again and again of the truth.  This is a process, a journey and NOT a result.  It is natural to make mistakes.  We are all human.  No one is perfect.  Would you spend your time kicking someone who is already laying on the ground?  Don't do the same thing to your mind.  If you are down, having made a mistake, do not kick yourself with extra guilt.  It will not help anything, and will only cause you to feel further from your goal.

The knowledge that Jesus prays for me makes me long to be more consistent in prayer.  I reminisce on the many times that I told people that I would pray for them and forgot to.  I remember the many days that I did not make time to spend with God simply because I was tired.  That seems such a paltry excuse when compared with the sacrifices of Christ.  Why am I so quick to excuse my laziness with so many excuses?  I am amazed at the patience that God has with me.  No matter how many excuses I make up, he is always waiting patiently for my return.  Nothing that I say or do reverses the love that he has for me.  And I am so thankful for that truth.

Hey, want to hear something cool?!

The Holy Spirit is our partner in prayer.  Living inside of us, we were given the Holy Spirit to intercede for us and strengthen us.  That is one of the amazing tools that God equipped us with.  When we ask God for consistency and strength, he will grant our requests.

Remember today that Jesus is praying for you by name.  You couldn't possibly give a better reference to the Father.

Excuses, excuses.

I tell myself that writing is hard.
I should check Facebook.
There are emails to answer.
I need to clean my room.
I'm not creative enough.
Other people can write better than I can.
Nobody reads what I write.

These are all excuses that I use in order to get out of doing what I love.  How does that make any sort of sense? I love something... and avoid it.

That's perfectionism rearing it's ugly head.  If I cannot do something perfectly, then I don't want to do it at all.  It is so difficult to stick to a schedule of practicing something with the intention bettering myself.

And that would be the microwave mentality that is so frequently seen in our culture.  I want something AND I want it now.

Hearing Hannah Brencher talk about how many words she's been writing has been pricking at me.  She decided that her goal for every day would be to write three thousand words.

Three THOUSAND.  Dang.

I can't even get myself to journal every day.  I am the queen of not finishing creative projects.  I started a blog.  I have several refashioning projects sitting in the drawers of my desk.
Here's the thing- I am great at achieving when it comes to helping others.  I do a really poor job when it pursuing my passions.  I tend to drop my dreams when others need help because helping them seems easier than working at what I long for.  

I'm working on that.

Today I was reminded yet again of a dream that I've stopped pursuing.  Talk about convicting.  I believe that God gives us dreams and passions for a reason.  When we stop pursuing them, we lose opportunities to connect with others and have an impact for Jesus.

So now, I'm working on being more consistent.  Using my heart and words.  And praying for a LOT of help from Jesus.

Masked by Words

I found this picture one day on Pinterest.  I pinned it to a board and went on with my day.  The quote screamed at me while I was scrolling through Pinterest today, My favorite mask to wear is one made of words.

"I'm fine."

"I don't need help."

"I'm just tired."

I'm not.

2015 hit me like a train.

This year brought beautiful, beautiful moments, but also lower lows than I thought I could handle.  I found myself being forced to ask for help.  I was being held accountable to how I was caring for myself.  Vulnerability was suddenly required.  I was sucker punched again and again by being an adult.  Finances, the death of a close friend, coming death of another, and distance took their toll on me.

I took a Buzzfeed quiz the other day, and laughed at the objective, already knowing what the result would be.  The quiz asked if I could survive the year 2015 again.  The answer? A very clear no.  My answers to the pop culture questions were not sufficient enough to help me survive, but deep down I knew that there was more to it.

2015 was a harder year than I could have ever imagined.

Needless to say, the past few days have found me reflecting on this past year, and the year to come.  I started a document that now holds some of my dearest dreams for 2016.

When a thought popped in my head about blogging my list, I immediately shot it down.

"That's too personal," I told myself, "No way I'm doing that."

Jesus slapped me in the face when I came across the quote that started this post.  Do I really want to start 2016 off by using words as a mask once again? Because I've been there countless times and could certainly do it again.

I don't want to start the year off this way.  2016 is going to be a year of healing me, and healing does not begin with deceit.

So here I am, mess and all.  This is me, and I will not apologize for who I am.  I am learning and growing, and that is a process.

This is my year.  And this year, I will take action on things that heal me.

F off 2015. 

You've dealt your blows.  I'm done.  I'm not living 2016 in darkness as well.

Instead of setting huge, vague goals for 2016, I decided to make a list of actions that I want to take, and skills I want to grow in.

• Learn how to and then maintain a budget.  Adulting wants to make me curl in the fetal position and play Stressed Out on repeat, but it has to happen.
• Get a job that pays higher than minimum wage. A girl can dream, right?
• Learn ballet.  My lack of grace and balance has kept me away from dance for 19 years, but I would love to care for my body by strengthening it in this way.
• Continue to be mentored.  I am thankful beyond words for the people who wrap there arms around me and live out one of my pastor's favorite phrases.  This is what we get to do.  We get to love broken people.  It is a privilege to see the lives of others and be there in the hurt and the joy.  While I have learned how to show this love to others, I am not good at accepting it.  I want to keep letting people into my heart.
• Start writing a book.  Lifelong dream, 'nuff said.
• Be a more consistent blogger, and improve my blog.
• Bible journal at least once a week.  I am so excited about getting a journaling Bible as a Christmas present, and want to be consistent in using it.
• Follow through with the contentment challenge.  Read about it here.
• Follow through with 30 days of writing.  My friend Sky and I are doing this together! Find her at www.skyvsworld.com 
• Keep painting.  I loved watercolor, even though the class was discouraging at times.  I want to keep painting with a few friends because we enjoy painting together.

This is me.  Happy New Year.

Grace for Me

I struggle to give myself grace.  I am a magnet for self-blame.  If something goes wrong, I immediately think of how I am responsible for what happened.

When I saw this picture on Pinterest, it struck a chord.



How long would it take for me to name myself?  Would I even get to myself before I ran out of things to list?

I have learned so much about grace and self-care the past two years, but I am still on a journey.  If you struggle with having a healthy image of yourself, you aren't alone.

Remember that you were created in God's image.  In order to love others well, we have to be able to have a healthy and loving view of ourselves.

Ephesians 2:10 says that you are God's workmanship.  He created you as his poem, his masterpiece.

God does not make junk.  He doesn't search through the dumpster and pull out random crap. He starts from dust and perfectly designs from the bottom up.

Love yourself by remembering who you were created to be.

By loving yourself you can learn to love others in a beautiful way.

Monsters

And we became afraid of ourselves.  We locked the closet doors that make up the partitioned rooms inside of ourselves.

We picked up our masks, the persona that we were confident, and that our lives are beautiful.  Our lives an explosion of perfect, even better than could be imagined.

The monsters ruled our insides.  Steadily they shredded the carpets, shattered the windows, and captured the beauty.  The beauty was kept locked away in the destroyed rooms.

The longer the beauty remained prisoner, the more it seemed to fade.  And the light seemed to disappear from our eyes, and there was no answer on whether or not it would return.

The monsters crept up our throats and began to steal our voices.  And all that remained was the beauty peeking out of the windows of our souls

crying

help

We'll See You Tomorrow

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

I can't even imagine the pain that some people are probably feeling today.  I cry while watching movies and a character loses someone close to them.

Suicide leaves so many questions.

Was I a reason they wanted to leave? Could I have done something to ease the pain? Why did they choose for this to be the end?

We could keep going, but we need to stop.  Asking endless questions about the meaning behind a suicide will only add excessive guilt to already hurting people.  Instead of focusing on the questions and the past, I want to focus on the future, and the actions that we can control.  This is a great post that talks about how suicides that we know can help us to change the things to come.

Some things I want you to know:

1. People who struggle with mental illnesses are normal.

2. You never know what people are going through unless you take the time to ask them.

3. Sometimes it hurts too much to share what is going on.

https://twloha.com/blog/more-than-the-pain/

4. Tomorrow can surprise you.

5. You have the power to influence others towards hope by giving them resources for change.

6. The thought of tomorrow has the promise of holding hope.


I want others to know hope.  No one should have to feel like they are alone.  We are made to live life together and that is why isolation holds so. much. pain.

I just read this blog post and my heart is currently bleeding.  If you do not read any of the other links in my post, please read "Promise Me Tomorrow".

If you ever feel too much, if you know anyone who feels too much, or you think it might ever be a possibility of feeling just too much, you have to read this post.

I'm so sorry things are hard.  I wish I could take the bad days away and make everything better for you.

But I do know this (best illustrated in this tumblr post):

Don't you dare tell me it (suicide) won't change things
There may be stars in the sky and wind in the air and sun in the clouds
But without you we do not want them

Please promise me tomorrow.  Ask for help.  Don't give up, even when the night laughs in your face and tells you that tomorrow isn't coming.  Because it is.  I promise.  And there is still time for tomorrow to surprise you.

You are loved.  You are precious.  You are needed.

-Moriah


P.S.  If you feel the desire to reach out to people, especially those who are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please donate to this page.  I have set a goal to raise $100 today to continue to offer hope, and I need you to come alongside and help.  You are not alone. Please pass that message on to others.

Broken Together

As I worked with my faculty mentor and my co-student mentor in preparation for the incoming freshmen that we'll be working with, we put together a vision for the upcoming eight weeks.  As I had scribbled down some notes in preparation the night before, I wrote that I wanted our group to be saturated by God and be broken together.  It was one of those late night thoughts that just kind of happened.  I hadn't really thought anything else of it until my faculty mentor said that it was kind of profound.

I was kind of confused until he explained.  He said that when a person is broken, the pieces seem to scatter.  Because of this, it is relatively uncommon to be broken together.

By being broken together we can break the notion that we all have to have everything together.  Churches are not museums, but rather they are hospitals for the broken.  I don't remember where I read that, but it struck me.  For so many years I thought I had to be perfect.  Good at 'church'.  Without flaws.  Always taking care of others.

But I've learned that I can take off the mask.  In trusted circles, or with close friends, I can share my struggles.  I can listen to who they are, the good and the bad.

We can be broken together.  And that's okay.

Identity

Your identity is who you are.

Sometimes people base identity on what you say about yourself, sometimes on what others say about you or labels that are attached to you because of things that have happened, people you hang out with, or your interests. 

We tend to find our identity in temporary things: families, friends, hobbies, likes, dislikes, possessions, successes, failures, appearance and many others. 

However, if we believe that Jesus died to provide forgiveness for our sins and we accept that as a free gift and want to live our lives for God, our identity should be found in the permanent things. In God, and the things he's promised. 

Knowing and believing our true identities can be so hard though! It's so much easier to believe the things that we're surrounded by. 

How can we know what our identity is? Read the Bible. Find out what God says about who you are. I've started making a list of verses that help me remember who I am in Christ. You can see it here-  

Which leads me into the next part. You can know every right answer, but how do you believe it? That's the hard part because it requires application and change. Some of our identity in Christ is there no matter what, like being loved and precious to God, but other parts we have to believe in order to fully reap the benefits. Like being forgiven. God forgives us, but until we're able to stop beating ourselves up and forgive us too. We have to accept that we're forgiven and move on. We have to get rid of the lies and most importantly, replace them with the truth. Read your Bible and find what God says about who you are, and when you feel the lies creeping in, read those verses to fight back against the lies. 

What exactly should we look like as someone that's in Christ? Proverbs 31 and 1 Peter 3:3-4 are good examples of what a Christian woman should look like from the outside. As God changes us on the inside, and the things we believe about ourselves change, our outside actions will change. Just be careful that you aren't only changing the outside though (Isaiah 57:12). That just leads to more problems in the end because what you're doing looks good, but you aren't actually changing. 

Just remember that God made you uniquely who you are. No one has the same identity as you and that's the way it should be!

Embrace what makes you you! 

~Moriah

Isaiah 41:13

More Love Letters

If you ask me what I've been up to lately, I'll probably answer that I've been busy with work and homework, and then proceed to babble about an organization that I recently heard of.

The organization is More Love Letters and I couldn't possibly be more excited about being involved with an organization!

More Love Letters was started by Hannah Brencher in her search for God, an end to loneliness, and her purpose.  By leaving love letters around New York City, she started a journey that couldn't be reversed.  Hannah agreed to write a love letter to anyone asking her for one and she stuck to her promise- even when it multiplied.

Now there is an organization to make sure that the art of love letters doesn't die.  To send encouragement to those who are hurting.  And to remind us that we aren't the center of the universe.

I am PSYCHED to be starting a Campus Cursive branch at Grace College this fall and can't get enough of encouraging others to write love letters.

Hannah published a book earlier this year, and I can't stop reading it for long enough to write this post......  It's great!  One thing that Hannah mentions in her book is that we are the generation that hasn't known ourselves loved on a page.  We didn't grow up receiving love letters from our crushes and secret admirers, but rather we received texts or IMs or a Facebook message.

There is just something that seems so beautiful and special about receiving a piece of paper that has come alive because of someone's scrawling handwriting.  Because they took 15 minutes out of their day, you are now holding a piece of their love.

And so I want to challenge you to write a love letter.  Maybe send it to someone that you know that needs some love, maybe leave it for a stranger.  Just share your heart, and what encouraging things you would want to hear.

I'd be willing to bet that writing the letter will help you too.

Explosions

For anyone who didn't know, I'm spending my summer as a custodial worker on my college campus. That gives me 40 hours of work for my hands, but maybe not so much for my mind.  While working, I have plenty of time for thinking, and this week I've decided that I want to break my unintentional writing hiatus.

My blog, journaling, letters, and writing poetry are all ways that I express myself, and even learn what I am feeling.  Because of how deeply writing is ingrained in me, it feels so natural to write.  I can't imagine not being able to pull out one of my favorite pens, smooth out a page of paper, and how I feel carry away my pen.

However, for the past couple of months I've felt like this quote fit perfectly.

"I wanted to write down
exactly what I felt
but somehow
the paper stayed empty

and I could not have
described it any better"
-wtm


I think I'm ready to resume writing.  If I don't go back to writing, my thoughts may explode.

So if your heart desires to read some of my heart, check into this blog every so often.

My thoughts are swirling and my fingers are typing faster than I can keep up with them.

Goodbyes

Goodbyes are the worst.

No matter how long you've known the person, and how strong the relationship is, goodbyes are always hard.

Goodbyes are especially hard when you're a young adult.  Early adulthood is when there are a ton of changes.  You graduate high school, go to college (locally or far away), start a career, make new friends, date- you know how it goes.  Since everyone is going through so many changes at the same time it can be difficult to know if those relationships will continue, or if they'll fade away as time goes on.

Tears flow as the grief squeezes your heart, and everything that is in you, sucking the air out of your lungs and leaving plenty of room for the ache that remains.

And you unfortunately cannot feign the 'see ya later, this isn't goodbye', because you know that this probably is your final goodbye to some of the people that you have had in your life.

But don't give up on relationships too quickly.  There is still good in them, even when some end in painful goodbyes.

The more painful the goodbye, the more you probably got out of the relationship.

Even though goodbyes are the worst, they also mark new hellos.  So be open for those hellos, and be ready to greet them with a smile.